Champneys at the bit

I spent last weekend at Champneys in Forest Mere, Hampshire.  Someone on Twitter had warned me that Champneys was like the Daily Mail solidified into a place and I can see her point, although I did have a great time.  The classes were excellent and the rooms warm, comfortable and very pleasant to be in;  slightly too pleasant really as it was a bit of a wrench to haul my arse out of it to go and do yoga. 

The communal areas were a little bit Crossroads but the staff were excellent, professional and friendly.  A trifle too rigorous with the rules;  for example the friends I went with arrived at a class one minute passed the start time and were refused entry. 

Something about a venue that is self-consciously 'healthy' does bring out the naughty child in you, that's for sure.  Our bags clunked suspiciously as we put them in the back of Chem Queen's car and we all looked shiftily at each other.  On arrival we discovered we'd bought four bottles of champagne, a pack of shortbread, a pack of oat biscuits, two packs of Gu puddings and a pound of cheese between us.  Thankfully the food was excellent so we had no need of any of it;  lots of imaginatively cooked vegetables, beautifully seasoned, good wine (but not lots of it) and modest but satisfying puddings.  The Chem Queen's sister said "I'm so sorry - could we have butter?" politely with every meal and they gave it to us without a murmur.  There are of course hard core "cry yourself to sleep every night" weeks you can sign up for to lose pounds, and I saw one lady eating grapes slowly whilst her eyes never left the cheesecake-laden spoon of her husband, but everyone else was eating normally.  Only clocked one pair of silicon boobies in the place and most women were comfortably upholstered and friendly. 

The worst aspect was the absolutely dreadful music played in the treatment rooms.  I cannnot tell you how indescribably awful it was.  We had the Wind Beneath Your Wings (orchestral version) going on which was an unfortunate choice bearing in mind the high fibre food we'd all been consuming for the last three days.  The poor therapists hate it too and can't turn it up, down or off.  The shop's also stocked with what appears to be hideous cruise-wear but it seemed to be very popular so that must just be me.