Pure artifice

Honey, I'm home....

2012-01-25T09:00:00.001Z

As I write, I am staring out at a leaden sky with rain drops plopping irritatingly onto a verdigris drainpipe. This is par for the course in January, naturally, but my God it does make you long for a bit of luxury and comfort. January and June (pre summer holiday) are the most common times of the year for people to go on extreme diets and in my view January is a positively lunatic time to do so. The whole system longs for a warmed up Eccles cake, or a stodgy jacket potato with pesto and cheddar. Cottage cheese and ryvita just aren't going to provide that duvet type of sustenance that is vital when your only choice is get soaked outside or be frowsty and irritable inside.

Looking after your skin and hair can make you feel slightly cosy and nurtured and can delay you charging into Patisserie Valerie like a raging bull. Central heating can make dry skin feel irritated so anything soothing is greatly appreciated by your poor epidermis, and hair can go into abject rebellion at the constant transitions between wet and cold and hot and dry, not to mention the dreaded hat hair. Reve de Miel by Nuxe is a warming, creamy moisturiser for dry and sensitive skin. It smells honeyish and heavenly and is described as "ultra confortable" and it really is. It doesn't absorb very quickly but I don't have particularly dry skin. And it feels so pleasant to wear I didn't mind in the slightest.

And as for the luxurious aspect, it delayed me baking lemon cake by a good hour and a half...oop, hang on, that's the oven timer....

Light up winter nights

2012-01-18T09:00:00.001Z

I am, I have to admit, addicted to sites like holymoly.com as there is nothing more diverting than when I am supposed to be writing up something dull than sniggering at photos of orange women in sleeveless dresses and bare legs falling out of Addison Lees at 2am in January. However, bleak dull weather does terrible things to the face. It is very difficult for skin to glow when there's no light for it to bounce off. That is where a subtle fake tan comes into its own, and Tantastic is just such a thing. Lovely and natural, from Laidbare, one of my favourites, doesn't smell, gives a nice golden healthy glow and won't prompt comments like "Have you been away or have your kidneys packed up?"

Piste off

2012-01-16T20:37:00.000Z

I have been secretly chuckling at all the people who have gone off ski-ing only to discover themselves trailing around shops selling ludicrously expensive leisure wear (the kind of thing you only ever see people wearing at ski resorts) and sipping fourteen hot chocolates a day as there is no snow and therefore bugger all to do. This is pure jealousy on my part as I am not going ski-ing this year so yah boo sucks.

The closest I am going to come to it is Green People's Day Solution SPF15 which appropriately for the ski theme, contains Edelweiss extract. It smells pleasant and applies well, but is rather thick, which is often the case with moisturisers with UVA and UVB protection. However despite the thickness it absorbed quickly and left my face feeling hydrated all day, as I traversed the glaciers of East London.

My six year old son tried the No Scent Soft Lips SPF 8 - £3.95 for 10ml, as he gets incredibly chapped lips owing to the fact that he bolts his packed lunch then roars out immediately into the freezing playground to run into the wind for an hour and a half, whilst generally liberally coated in yoghurt. His lips and the skin around them becomes very dry and flaky. We have tried hundreds of lip balms. If they taste unpleasant he immediately rubs the lotion off on to his teddy, and if it tastes nice then he promptly eats it. This is perfect for him - it comes out of a rather phallic container in a tiny amount through a pin-prick hole which you apply to the lips. It is almost like a softer Vaseline, doesn't taste of much and stopped the dryness immediately. Excellent product - there really is little point in buying any lip balms (especially those that are glorified lip glosses) apart from those designed for use while ski-ing. They seem to be the absolute tops in this field.

And a big hand for my new bathroom

2012-01-04T12:02:00.000Z

I have spent the last six weeks with no bathroom. Well, at first I had no running water, then a bath but no sink or loo, then a loo with no door on and four builders cheerfully whistling away two feet away. They kindly put up a sheet to save my modesty but the whole experience was not conducive to pampering, shall we say. In fact I began to regard lavatory paper and a door as unfeasible luxury.

So what better way to celebrate the advent of a new working bathroom with door and everything than with a very soothing, luxurious hand wash and moisturiser? evolve beauty have launched a brand new hand care duo consisting of a refreshing citrus hand wash to soothe and moisturise the skin, and a beautifully light hand lotion to protect and nourish hands and nails. The products contain goji berry extract to revitalise the skin and help protect against free radical damage. But quite frankly I am just very happy that they moisturise my skin so beautifully after six weeks of them being caked in plaster dust.

You've got something in your eye....

2011-12-01T14:59:00.000Z

Look at these - aren't they absolutely amazing? Available from V&A for £14 or from here. Somebody get some and try them and send me a photo. What a talking point for a party but I'd be terrified of ripping them.

I've never seen Star Wars....

2011-11-15T07:05:00.000Z

I very rarely get to test something completely new, that is not a variation on a theme. The Clarisonic was absolutely new (and has now been copied a zillion times) and now I can add Perfekt make-up to my list.

Using a product called Perfekt provokes all kinds of hideous images - I would probably much rather it was called something like "Bit Better". Manage those expectations....

I tried the eye perfection gel, skin perfection gel, brow perfection gel and cheek perfection gel. The make-up is packaged in metal canisters and you pump the contents out on to your hands. It emerges rather like a mousse, looking terrifyingly dark, which you then apply. It seems to coat your skin and creates a matt, airbrushed look which I read in the press release but dismissed as phooey until I tried it. The best way to describe the finished look is 'professional'. Taking five minutes to apply it makes you appear as if you have been worked on by stylists for hours. I couldn't really see the benefit of the eye perfection gel, but other than that the rest of it was amazing stuff.

It is not a foundation, it is not a primer, it is not a fake tan, and yet it is sort of all of them. Paris Hilton uses it apparently which I have to say is probably the only sensible thing she's ever done.

Getting things straight

2011-11-14T06:55:00.000Z

My friend Sarah has the kind of hair I find frightening. It's thick, black, incredibly curly and springy and genuinely seems to have a very intense private life all of its own that she struggles to control. Sarah lives in fear of getting nits from her children as the idea of having to comb nit treatment through this jungle terrifies her. She was therefore the perfect candidate to try out the Charles Worthington Salon At Home Straight and Smooth treatment, which she describes thus: "It smells very chemically, which is hardly surprising, but the instructions are clear and the whole process took half an hour from beginning to end. Combing it through was hilarious as my hair seemed to just get longer and longer as the curl dropped out.

"It's a lot softer now, less frizzy, and I can do things like plait it which usually aren't an option for me. It has lasted two weeks very well, and although it is still curly it is wavy and more manageable. To be honest I think my hair would be a challenge for a steamroller so I would imagine that on less insanely curly hair than mine it would work very well and it is certainly a less expensive and time-consuming performance than having it straightened."

Time to...ugh

2011-11-12T16:54:00.000Z

Certain smells take me to all the wrong places. Estee Lauder's Youth Dew reminds me of car sickness, with my sister, my mother and I all crammed into a Ford Cortina driving to Leicester to see my aunt Elsie on Boxing Day, all of us lavishly coated in Youth Dew as my father had panicked in Harrods and bought all three of us a bottle of the stuff. Lynx takes me right back to the boys changing rooms at secondary school and fifteen pubescent boys bursting out of the room in a cloud of competing Lynx odours, sweaty feet and testosterone. This Mandara Spa Island Paradise bath foam stuff smelled to me inescapably of Immac. My nose wrinkled as soon as I poured it out and all I smelled was hair remover. The bubbles lasted long and all that was great, but the smell was just foul.

Give us a hand....

2011-10-15T09:00:00.001+01:00

The new hand cream from L'Occitane is gorgeous. I was sent the Desert Rose, which smells heavenly, absorbs very quickly and is simply a very pleasing thing to look at as the packaging's so lovely. I keep some on my desk and when I get stuck I plonk a bit on, feel happy again and plough on. Lovely stuff. My love affair with L'Occitane continues.

Reed my lips....

2011-10-14T09:05:00.001+01:00

These reed diffusers from Abode Aroma were a new one on me but they are FABULOUS. Much smellier than a candle and the pink grapefruit one that I tried was a fabulous room deodoriser (I have a very old cat - you know what I'm saying....) You simply give the reeds a twiddle when you're passing and they waft out more scent.

Soft soap

2011-10-13T09:00:00.000+01:00

It's an odd one, soap. Reminded me of the Eddie Izzard bit about lard. "I'm still here! You can't get rid of me!" There are so many pump action shower gels, foams, essences and God knows what else a bar of soap is old school - slightly messy, deeply effective but tricky to use as it shoots all over the place. I was sent some Sodasan Pure Berries soap to try, and to be honest, resisted it for a while. I have ranted on this blog before about how much I loathe over-packaging and fiddly caps, but clearly I have been seduced by modern design ideals.

When I opened it up the beautiful berry smell hit me, and after a day's fighting with thistles in the garden it made me feel genuinely squeaky clean and smelled wonderful. My daughter loves it ("I am so clean Mummy, I've done everywhere....") and Simon also uses it, as he is under the impression that shower gel is for girls, even if it's something butch like cedarwood and lime. It's satisfying to use, that's the word. And doesn't dry the skin. Nice.

Get your tats out for the lads

2011-10-12T09:00:00.000+01:00

I am intrigued by tattoos. I cannot imagine ever liking a part of myself so much that I would want to dwell on it myself, or that others would want to. Someone described a tattoo to me "as like deciding to wear flares for the rest of your life". But it's always good to try things (except, as Nancy Mitford famously said, incest and country dancing) especially if you can do them in a low-key, temporary way. Therefore when the lovely Amy sent me a Skin Art tattoo kit I was deeply ashamed at how excited I was. My eight year old daughter was also beside herself at the look of the kit, which was closely followed by fury when I told her there was no way on this earth she was wearing a temporary tattoo to school. Badly applied nail varnish that she gnaws off during Literacy I am not that bothered about - tattoos are a Different Thing Entirely.

My friend Jacquie came round and we experimented with the transfer tattoos, dark ink prints that you rub on with a damp cloth, and the prettier sparkly stencils (hearts, flowers etc). After half a jug of Pimms I ended up with a bluebird on my left boob (Simon peered at it and said "Ooh. Common!") which I felt quite fond of, and Jacquie had three hearts up the inside of her wrist. We went a bit berserk with the glitter but it was very enjoyable. My bluebird lasted through five showers and a swimming session before it scraped off, but it all came off in one go so I didn't have a paraplegic bird hopping around on my breast, thankfully.

If you are a nicer mummy than me then your small girl will LOVE this. It would also be good for parties and festivals when you want to look braver than you are. They are incredibly easy to apply - I am the most cack-handed person in the universe and I managed it easily. If this doesn't become the new face-painting for nine year old's parties I will eat my hat.

Gossip and nails

2011-10-11T10:30:00.000+01:00

If you know a teenage girl I have THE VERY THING for Christmas/birthday. Seriously. The. Very. Thing. Gossip Girl nail varnish (good brand + credibility) with a glittery overlayer that you apply afterwards to give a textured, splintered look to the nail. You also get to choose the particular Gossip Girl personality you are. How, like, amazing is that? Totally.

The polish itself goes on well and stays on well, and it's fun watching the overlayer bit changing the appearance of the varnish underneath. But really that is so like not the point?

And now for the science bit....

2011-09-30T10:24:00.000+01:00

Three products from Skin Science to test - a face wash that can magically (nooooo....scientifically, Lucy) identify the difference between dead skin cells that one wants shot of, and good skin cells that one wants to hang on to with both hands. Also a Renewal Complex Cream that has something revolting to do with sperm in it (spermine, actually. I am just very suggestible), and an eye cream.

I absolutely LOVED the face wash, or Marine Foaming Enzyme Cleanser, oddly titled as it suggests one has a massive marine foaming enzyme that is in great need of a quick rub down with some Cillit Bang. However; it is fabulous. Perfect texture, stays around long enough in the shower to get rid of lingering eye make up and my face felt smooth and even moisturised afterwards. Loved it.

The Bio Active Renewal Complex Cream is effective. Skin feels plumped up and smooth afterwards. However, I hate the smell. Not that the smell lingers, but it doesn't have a luxurious feel about it, merely clinical. Some people like that. I am too frivolous, probably.

And Sarah, a 35 year old mother of four boys tested the eye cream (because boy did she need to); she seems to exist on around two and a half hours sleep a night. She very much approves of it - better than Dr Hauschka which she finds drying, she said it was easy to put on and seemed to lift her eyes and make her look perkier than she felt (and God knows that is what most of us need most of the time). She said it is quite difficult to apply it as instructed without getting some in her eye which then stung, but she got the hang of it on the third application.

We both VERY much like Skin Science's strapline - age management. Realistic, effective and treats consumers like grown-ups. Hurrah for that.

The Precious and Laidbare

2011-09-15T17:42:00.001+01:00

Doing a bit of a compare and contrast this week - both brands I like, both have produced products that I love (L'Occitane's hand and body lotion, and Laidbare's fake tan which is stupendous) so I had high hopes. Sadly, only one fulfilled them. The Precious Cream from L'Occitane contains the flower immortelle. Imagine walking across a field in Provence as the sun is setting and smelling the dry heat prickling with perfume - that is what this smells like. Utterly gorgeous. And it worked beautifully - soft on the skin, quick to absorb, and people keep telling me how healthy I look.

Unfortunately, I didn't get on with the Laidbare 9 to 5 moisturiser quite so well. It just wasn't very...appealing. It didn't seem to do a great deal, didn't smell nice and stayed sticky for a while. I tried it first, so it wasn't that I was so in love with the L'Occitane that I disliked it on principle.

So if you want mine and Gollum's advice, go with the Preciousssss.

Scrambled egg head, anyone?

2011-08-25T09:00:00.000+01:00

Some lunatic gave me a book when I was twelve called "Home Beauty". I spent many weekends forcing my unfortunate sister to trial my honey face mask and olive oil and egg conditioner, the latter turning into scrambled egg the second one's head heated up. I have never really got on with face masks, believing them to be more of a signifier of 'pampering' than anything actually useful probably because they are always used in films as an indicator of 'I am not to be disturbed and aren't women prepared to look daft'.

The feeling of masks tightening over your face is slightly claustrophobic and I dislike being beholden to a beauty product, in that for twenty minutes you have to march round the house looking chalky, unable to talk, smile or open the door to anyone. Then you wash it all off, carefully leaving a bit caked round your nostrils for you to discover in a meeting at 11am, and your skin either dries out completely or rebels by breaking out in angry spots.

After all that I wasn't exactly gagging to try Aromatherapy Associates Overnight Repair Mask but dear reader, things have REALLY moved on from my old Body Shop deep sea mud mask days. This goes on beautifully, with a slightly grainy texture that tethers it to your skin, smells pleasant but not too strong and does not come off all over the pillow which is what I suspected would happen. It doesn't tighten, or certainly if it does it occurred after I was snoring away contentedly, and when wake you're not in a death mask but your skin feels slightly gritty until you wash it off when it feels WONDERFUL. Smooth, hydrated, generally lovely and I didn't feel I needed to put moisturiser on afterwards. As someone whose night time routine mostly consists of peering at myself blearily in the mirror whilst muttering furiously and giving my teeth a cursory brush you will understand how fabulous this stuff is when I tell you I am going to use it again this very night. And every three days for the rest of my life. The idea of this stuff working away at my skin while I sleep is a very attractive one.

Crows feet. Size 5.

2011-08-24T09:00:00.001+01:00

I have just spent a very enjoyable fortnight in North Wales. Snowdonia operates an idiosyncratic micro climate all of its own, which means you can be basking in the sun one minute and running screaming from hailstones like tennis balls bouncing off your sun hat the next. One simply never knows. Packing is therefore a somewhat laborious procedure as it has to cover every eventuality. If anyone had checked my luggage it would have appeared that I was doing a moonlight flit from secure accommodation, but I cared not a jot.

The one thing I did forget (and it's never anything belonging to anyone else; I am far too much of a martyr to allow anyone else to go without) was my sunglasses. I remembered halfway up the M3 and thought 'oh, sod it. It's Wales, in August. I am really, really not going to need them.' And then the sun blazed down on me for days and I developed ravine-like crows feet from squinting up mountains and at sparkling seas.

Luckily, on my return Elemis took pity on me and sent some Eye Serum to try. Just a few drops are needed, above and below the eye, and it's a remarkably soothing treatment. Smells clean, absorbs very quickly, and certainly has taken away some of the squintiness. The lines appear to have faded and when I am tired, I look less tired than I feel which makes a pleasant change. Also it is bliss to apply when I stop gawping at my computer screen, take my lenses out, and potter off to bed.

Lavender bags and disappointment - that's what little girls are made of

2011-08-23T10:20:00.000+01:00

I went to the world's most idyllic and picturesque primary school. Thirty children in the whole school, four in my year, May Day every year with a May Queen (No. I wasn't, no. Never. For some reason they didn't want a fat girl with marbled cerise NHS glasses and long lank hair the colour of dishwater in their picturesque photographs) and a playing field with a stream running through it. Of course one of the mums was a prostitute and another ran off with the headmistress but I was oblivious to all that. Every year we Made Things for our mothers, and lavender bags featured heavily. To me they conjure up a quintessentially English scene of my friends in their blue checked school dresses skilfully creating lacy beribboned bags while I laboured over a bloodstained bit of cotton, tongue sticking out, breathing heavily with concentration. And the gorgeous, drowsy smell of lavender hanging over us all, NHS glasses and everything.

So I was very pleased to be asked to review L'Occitane's new lavender range. The shower gel is absolutely gorgeous. Not too heavy, as the smell of lavender can sometimes be, but refreshing and soothing. It doesn't slide away down the plughole and the scent stays with you.

I have to say though they also sent me the lavender massage gel, which I hated. It feels sticky, it doesn't absorb for ages, it smells slightly artificial and it's gloopy like a flour and water paste. In fact, staying with the primary school theme, I will maybe make a papier mache May Queen with it. And put some NHS glasses on her and yah boo sucks to you all.

And an even bigger Yes to Cucumbers

2011-08-22T10:06:00.000+01:00

I am dubious about most cleansing wipes. They are usually highly scented, make you screw your eyes up when you use them as they're stingy and leave your face feeling like one of those shrunken heads they keep turning up in the Andes. The Yes to Cucumbers ones though are the absolute bees knees. Refreshing, efficient, cheap, moisturising, and in a sensible pack for once that actually reseals properly so they don't go all dry and wrinkly. Keep a pack by your bed for those evenings when you are too ... what shall we say? ... tired and emotional to cleanse your face at the sink, as you're too busy texting your ex partner to tell him what an arse he is, Tweeting your bowel movements and eating glace cherries. The next morning, when you have collected enough saliva to facilitate swallowing, moved gingerly into an upright position over the course of three quarters of an hour and turned your phone on to a barrage of furious texts, you will at least have a clean face.

Say Yes to Carrots

2011-08-20T20:21:00.000+01:00

Have to say I reeled back from this one in slight shock, but for ludicrous reasons. A series from a million years ago starring Nerys Hughes as a District Nurse was my customary soothing post pudding Sunday dinner viewing and one episode featured a poverty stricken family who were gradually turning orange due to their excessive carrot intake. However, one and a half year old Sophie, my tester for the Yes to Carrots baby body lotion I was sent to try, was far too sensible to be worried by such pre-conceptions. Her mother was a bit sniffy about the packaging, as it didn't looked "a bit like toothpaste and I keep getting the wrong thing down from the shelf". It's reassuringly natural, smells "fine", said her mother, but Sophie loved it and kept pointing to it after her bath. Her mother believes this is because she doesn't usually wear baby lotion so the application turned into a cuddle and that was the bit she enjoyed. And who doesn't?

"'Grapefruit is SO bracing...."

2011-08-09T19:07:00.000+01:00

Having recently spent a fortnight attempting to swim in a sea so cold it made my ovaries shrink and then returning to a city rent asunder by people who seem to feel that what will help to make their voices heard is a new pair of trainers, I am feeling somewhat startled in general. The new Neutrogena Visibly Clear Pink Grapefruit Cream Wash I have been trialling has a very sassy, wideawake smell which is great for those mornings when you've been obsessively checking Twitter all night. It is also extremely...invigorating....shall we say? when one gets it in one's eye by mistake. I know, I know, all these washes say 'avoid delicate eye area' etc etc but it's a face wash. Your eyes are, and I am not speaking for everyone here, obviously, on your face. So now and again there's going to be a mishap. However, other than a bit of red eye, skin is clear, soft and perky. Like this a lot - Neutrogena's skin care range is really worth looking at now, having moved away from their previous slightly worthy image.

Wonderbalm!

2011-07-05T13:46:00.000+01:00

Love the name of this. Wonderbalm! Makes me imagine it in a gold headband whirling round and round. Featuring this summer's new must have ingredient, Kukui oil from Hawaii, this Connock London product is excellent for sunburnt areas and sore lips etc. It is surprisingly low key in packaging and smell, given the hyperbole of the press release and its name, but it works very well on dry bits. My daughter used it on sun-chapped lips and just one application sorted them out. My shoulders got sunburnt while I wrestled with recalcitrant tomato plants in the garden and it eased the soreness immediately.

Even better was the Kukui Oil soap. Leaving aside the linoleic and alpha linolenic blah di blahs, it smells absolutely heavenly. I wouldn't care if it turned me purple, it smells so divine. I don't really understand why the Kukui balm doesn't smell of anything and the Kukui soap doesn't seem to contain anything that would produce such a fabulous smell, but mine is not reason why, mine is just to have another bath.

"And I want to be surrounded by the smell of spring roses at all times...."

2011-07-04T13:32:00.000+01:00

Everyone, and I mean everyone, is entitled to their Mariah Carey moment of exquisite diva-ness when they flatly refuse to contemplate life without some luxury item that they view not as a luxury but as an essential. For my mother in law, it is in-car air conditioning. For Simon, it is good coffee, and for my son it is tomato sauce. Mine are Radio 4 and tea, both of which are very easy to come by and therefore not very diva-esque at all. It's hardly cashmere puppies, is it?

I have felt the need for something to be a diva about recently, and I may have found it. These pillowcases are silk on one side and cotton on the other, which is extremely sensible otherwise they'd skate all over the bed. The press release claims that it helps keep your hair smooth as the fabric doesn't rough up the hair cuticle, the silk doesn't absorb face cream so it stays on your face not smeared all over the bed and it helps prevent wrinkles as a rough night flinging your head back and forth across the pillow is the equivalent of exfoliating with a grater.

The silk is cooling and obviously very pleasant to rest one's weary cheek on. I checked with David, the stylist at Eleven hair salon in Blenheim Street, who said that "a silk pillow will definitely help keep your hair smoother and it will also keep a blow dry in place for longer." I rocketed up out of bed like a pheasant out of a hedgerow on Tuesday morning and demanded Simon inspected me for signs of youth and beauty. "Hmmm," he said, surveying me critically through eyes puffy with sleep. "Have you brushed your hair?" I said delightedly that I hadn't; it was all down to the pillow. He was not able to tell me that I now looked like a dewy seventeen year old but it was 6.45am and compliments normally take three good meals and a bottle of something nice.

I can definitely feel a diva moment coming on. I think I may be taking the pillow case with me when I go to stay elsewhere. The cashmere puppies can worry it while I yell at the chauffeur.

Quick blast of vintage splendour

2011-07-02T13:27:00.000+01:00

From Becky at Eleven - that tattoo is splendid.

Wrap it up

2011-07-02T13:24:00.000+01:00

Nail Rock's nail wraps are a fabulous idea. Slightly more tricky in reality, but fabulous theoretically. Produced in startling patterns and colours, you peel them off the backing paper, stick them on your nails, blow a hairdryer on them to heat them and make them pliable and then tuck them over your nails.

The ones I was sent were rather English Defence League Bling - gold union jacks. They looked horrendous on the backing, but rather jolly once they were on and trimmed. I was having my hair cut at Eleven at the time and bought the wraps with me. The stylists had all been snooty about the wraps but once they were on they agreed they had a certain charm, and they certainly give the sort of flawless finish you wouldn't get by flapping about yourself kack-handedly. I got admiring glances from da yoot on the tube on the way home, and screams of incredulous delight from all the year three girls at school.

They are certainly not the easiest things in the world to apply, and two of you definitely make a better job than one, particularly when one of the two of you is a manicurist. But before you all get carried away and spend your pocket money on them, I have to say that they were applied at 11am and fell off at 4pm. So they'd last a party.

Diamonds - a pore best friend?

2011-06-29T12:09:00.000+01:00

Harley Street Skincare has produced a Microdermabrasion system with crushed diamonds. Although gratifyingly sparkly in the pot, I found the granules a little too large. Microdermabrasion and exfoliation can be slightly addictive as there is an element of mea culpa masochism involved, and adding diamonds in to the mix makes the hair-shirt element a little more palatable. I have used better exfoliators, without the need for diamonds. However, the All Day Moisture anti-wrinkle lotion was fabulous. A little goes a long way, a night time application makes your face feel more plumped and smooth than your pillow in the morning and it absorbs quickly. Excellent product.

Gel those muscles!

2011-06-29T11:59:00.000+01:00

After a prolonged visit from German friends ("Oh, I could not have a microwave in the house. It would be like having a toxic dump in the kitchen", she said, lighting a cigarette) I was looking forward to testing out Aromatherapy Associates' De-stress Muscle Gel on my own tense back. Sadly guest snagged it as she had a frozen shoulder. It smells very warm and intoxicating, with black pepper and ginger featuring heavily, and beats the hell out of smelling like a sheep dip if you use Deep Heat. As for its effectiveness, my belief is that the rubbing in application probably helps considerably as does the relaxing smell. Frau Frozen Shoulder said it made her shoulder joint feel looser and more mobile. Perfect to take with you for ski-ing or after a tough gardening session - the good thing about all muscle gels is that the act of paying attention to the part of your body that you are fairly sure is about to start giving you gyp means that you are conscious of it, and don't then attempt to finish off an energetic gardening bout with a four mile hike home carrying six bags of shopping.

Aloe, aloe, who's your lady friend (and other tiresome jokes of that ilk)

2011-06-14T18:11:00.000+01:00

Eternal Skincare's Aloe Super Hydrating Moisturiser is a fine product. Fine in the sense of "yep...it's fine." It did not live up to the eulogising in the press release; aloe juice is an excellent moisturiser but this did not feel substantially better than many other standard moisturisers that I've tried - Neutrogena and Ponds to name two.

A combination of sun, fake tan and exfoliation treatments had left the skin on my legs very dry, so I tried it on them as well as my face. It worked in the short term and relieved the itchiness, but by the next morning my legs looked like the Utah salt flats again.

Not worth the hefty price tag. Save your money and buy Aveeno instead.

And.....it's summer.

2011-05-24T18:44:00.000+01:00

It's summer. Officially. How do I know? Well, because a) there are flying ants on the pavement, b) I have a gnat bite on my leg, c) my child's leg is covered in bruises from the knee downwards from cycling-in-shorts accidents and d) I have eaten four ice creams in a week. And also....L'Occitane en Provence has released a Pivoine Flora range of make-up. Pinky, creamy, summery, watercolour packaging that lends itself to being carted around in one of those baskets you only see women carrying lavender around in, ostentatiously.

The scent itself, a roll on pen, is Peony-ish enough but disperses quickly. One for the handbag when you realise you've not put scent on. The Petals Eye Quartet features pinkish, oyster and purple hues with a very sensible applicator which allows you to turn the purply bit into eyeliner. It wore off after about four hours. The Healthy Glow Face Powder is very glamorous - a tan powder with a gold strip down the middle (see left), and does lend the face a shimmery...well, healthy glow, really.

It's actually perfect holiday make-up as it needs a good strong summery light to bounce off. I don't think it would stand up to a wet weekend in Solihull, but if you're planning on skipping around a beach, Tuscan market or ideally a Provencale lavender field, take it with you.

It's Sun Believable (no really, it is)

2011-05-23T10:48:00.000+01:00

Well, they've done it. Nope, not made control knickers that don't flip down half way through the evening, suddenly allowing your unfettered spare tyre to boing uncontrollably like a crazed bungee jumper made of cottage cheese, and no, a dark eyeshadow that doesn't create raccoon circles round your upper eye lid. They have made a self tan that does not smell. Of anything. Not biscuits, not roast chicken, not cat wee (really - that was not one of my best test weeks ever, I have to say...); absolutely zilch. It also has the most sensibly designed application glove thing ever (I refuse to use the word 'mitt') that does not gradually absorb the stuff.

It is called Sun-Believable. It is a mousse that you apply on to said glovey thing and then on to your limbs. The only, and this is such a mild 'only' you can see why it is such a good product, startling element is that the stuff looks green when it comes out. It actually looks like slurry. Rest assured it doesn't stay green - mine took three hours to develop into a pleasing slight tan and after a night's sleep I look positively South of France. I ignored, as I always do, all the guff about applying endless moisturisers and exfoliators etc because practically, people NEVER do that. Their thought processes are 'a) ooh! Sun's out. I can wear my strappy....ohhh, hang on. b) Let's inspect arms. Jesus! c) OK I have to either go to Tobago in the next twenty minutes or have to apply fake tan now. I've already had a shower so I can't be bothered to have another one, and if I put it on now it might be done by this evening so I can wear my strappy thing and not look like Emily Bronte expiring on a sofa.' Anyway, it worked marvellously. And, being a massive gambler, I even wore white trousers ten minutes after application and they were absolutely fine. So white trousers-proof and you don't smell like Nando's. What more could you want?

A hiatus explained

2011-05-23T10:34:00.000+01:00

Er...hello again. It's been a while. Looking good though.... I like what you've done with your hair.

You may have noticed that I have not blogged for five months. There is a good reason for this, and it is called disillusionment.

I spent some time working for a PR company, and was put on the list of journalists and bloggers wanting products sent. I was absolutely staggered by the amount of product that gets sent out and never receives any coverage. I was also staggered that my press release would just be repeated verbatim, with no indication as to whether the product I had sent had actually been trialled or not and therefore the reader had no way of knowing whether s/he should buy the stuff or not. I realised that people thought my blog was probably the same thing...this was brought home to me when I had sacrificed an afternoon's work to spend it with a PR who wanted to talk to me about the range of products she represented. I listened dutifully for two hours, making notes, and then at the end she said with a sigh "I've often thought about just setting up my own blog. I could do with loads of moisturiser." This depressed me a great deal and irritated me even more. I was then told of a make up company who was contacted every week by a blogger who 'called in' (the phrase that is used to mean a product request for a magazine') endless make-up. Once she was sussed under one name she simply changed it and carried on ringing.

All this made me want to give up. I then had dinner with Melanie (aka Buffy) and explained the situation to her. She said "but that is why you SHOULD carry on with yours. I have to read yours to find out what actually works."

So I am going to carry on. I am going to play a game of last man standing - hopefully my blog will be valued because it does tell the truth, because I throw away press releases and prices when they come through the post without looking at them so I can concentrate on the efficacy of the product, and because I am not a six zero 21 year old who can go out for three nights running and still look fabulous. I need help, and like most of the women in this country, despite the impression one gets from reading women's magazines, can't afford to waste money on products that don't work.

Yippee!

2010-12-17T14:39:00.000Z

My babies would be sorely miffed at being referred to as babies now, so I asked my friend Katherine to test the Yippee Playtime range from Little Me Organics on her 12 month old. Lots of essential oils and much more appealing-looking, smelling and to use than some of the ultra-sweet, heavily perfumed and bright pink lotions that are recommended for babies' skins. My daughter, 7, insisted on inspecting and trying the product, as she does on everything that arrives. "Is this for babies?" she asked incredulously. "It smells VERY grown up. Babies normally smell of washing but this is like a grown up lady perfume." That's the rose element, I think.

Katherine tried it out and said the bath time bubbles didn't last very long but that is probably because of the lack of sodium laureth sulphate (if you want to avoid chemicals, you're going to have to reconcile yourself to a less bubbly life, I'm afraid) but loved the body cream. "I'm not that sort of mum," she said shiftily, "but I did do a bit of baby massage on him and he sort of went into a trance. He absolutely loved it. But then I stole the body cream and I've been using it ever since." Life is hard when you're one.

I'm saved!

2010-12-14T12:10:00.000Z

I was sent (a bit of the) Myreen Young Winter Saver Kit, pictured here, to try out. It's natural, organic and vegan, with simple packaging. I tried the white tea and evening primrose oil Cleanser, and the Hydrating Masque with strawberries and lime.

The masque is absolutely fantastic. I never think about masques as hydrating as normally I use them in summer when I am feeling hot and gritty and I need to calm my skin down. It smells beautifully of strawberries (and has strawberry pippy things in that are reassuringly lifelike) and really did perk it up, and after a day spent chasing people around Birmingham New Street station concourse in a howling draught followed by three hours on a train heated to a balmy 96 degrees, I really needed it. My skin is being ultra-neurotic at the moment and has not reacted at all.

The cleanser I was not so keen on, simply because I have now got so lazy with using wash-off cleansers I strongly object to the 0.02 extra seconds it takes for me to grab some cotton wool and remove it. It was effective though, just not speedy enough for me.

The kit is priced at £52 (over £12 cheaper than if you buy the products individually.

Self defence

2010-12-06T09:00:00.000Z

There is something reassuringly bracing about Neutrogena. It is those faintly Nordic looking colours that look icy, clinical and dependable. And so they proved. I tried the facial scrub, which I am not crazy about as once again the exfoliating bits were too big and just rolled over the face rather than refining the pores. Jane, my case study, has extremely dry skin. "When I apply moisturiser in the morning and then go out in the cold, I generally have dry flaky patches on my cheeks twenty minutes later," she says. "I tried the Neutrogena Multi-Defence moisturiser and was sceptical as it didn't absorb for ages. I am more used to using lotions or oils on my face as it's so dry. A whole morning marching about in the cold went by and I didn't feel dry once so I was pleasantly surprised. I think I am just so used to thick lotions that anything else feels weird."

She then spied the Betty Hula anti-ageing oil on my desk, (a "luxurious anti-ageing oil combining Grapeseed Oil, Apricot Kernel, Avocado Oil, Hemp Oil, Vitamin E, Rose Absolute and Jojoba Oil, (50ml £15.99 RRP)) and asked to try it. "Now this is more what I would usually use," she said happily, smearing it on, "and it smells lovely. Oh dear - I forgot I had the Neutrogena still on, but my skin feels so nice now....."

She took both away with her, and is currently applying the Betty Hula to absorb and the Neutrogena as a "shield", as she puts it. And no more dry patches. So as cocktailing with hair products, according to celebrity hairdresser Errol Douglas, is the way forward, Jane may well have invented a new trend in skincare. Neutrohula, anyone?

Face-ache

2010-12-03T11:58:00.001Z

Stop! In the name of time... or something. Love the fact that marketing people have to come up with increasingly bonkers phraseology to avoid making claims that something will make you look younger and can only use terms like "de-ageing" or whatever. Time Arrest Creme de Luxe made me snigger...until I tried it. I get a little scared by rich creams as I worry that I am going to appear shiny like a small satellite dish. It was so damned cold this week though that I slapped it on and for the first time in ages felt dewy in the cold, rather than that my face was about to crack open. No particular smell, reassuringly creamy, very expensive but like all the Dr Brandt products I have tried, marvelous. I care not a jot for the Age Reversing Platinum Technology but I love the fact that I no longer feel ravaged by the elements when I trot off on the school run. It's like a cashmere face blanket. Buy some for someone you care about more than anyone...ie yourself.

Snowy souffle

2010-12-03T11:50:00.000Z

My office has no heating. None. Zip. It has three draughty doors though which work together to create a nice through gale. Add to this a builder who puts a nail through a water pipe resulting in all the water and heating being off on the snowiest day of the year and an allergic reaction to washing powder and you have my life this week. As a result my poor skin looks like that of a recently plucked chicken that's been left on a radiator - sort of dry and raw looking. The perfect time for Ted Baker Body Souffle to arrive. I didn't exactly scream with delight at the smell when I first took the lid off, but it's a grower; the fact that it smells v strong in the pot means that the perfume actually lingers and smells gorgeous once it's calmed down a little. Bergamot and pink peppercorn and rose, apparently; I get mostly rose but gentle rose, not old lady rose. And it is very, very soothing. I tried it on one arm and not the other and the other felt very dessicated, itchy and grumpy all day. Very indulgent-seeming and yet economical, excellent gift particularly for anyone whose skin goes into rebellion in the winter months.

Champneys at the bit

2010-11-16T09:00:00.001Z

I spent last weekend at Champneys in Forest Mere, Hampshire. Someone on Twitter had warned me that Champneys was like the Daily Mail solidified into a place and I can see her point, although I did have a great time. The classes were excellent and the rooms warm, comfortable and very pleasant to be in; slightly too pleasant really as it was a bit of a wrench to haul my arse out of it to go and do yoga.

The communal areas were a little bit Crossroads but the staff were excellent, professional and friendly. A trifle too rigorous with the rules; for example the friends I went with arrived at a class one minute passed the start time and were refused entry.

Something about a venue that is self-consciously 'healthy' does bring out the naughty child in you, that's for sure. Our bags clunked suspiciously as we put them in the back of Chem Queen's car and we all looked shiftily at each other. On arrival we discovered we'd bought four bottles of champagne, a pack of shortbread, a pack of oat biscuits, two packs of Gu puddings and a pound of cheese between us. Thankfully the food was excellent so we had no need of any of it; lots of imaginatively cooked vegetables, beautifully seasoned, good wine (but not lots of it) and modest but satisfying puddings. The Chem Queen's sister said "I'm so sorry - could we have butter?" politely with every meal and they gave it to us without a murmur. There are of course hard core "cry yourself to sleep every night" weeks you can sign up for to lose pounds, and I saw one lady eating grapes slowly whilst her eyes never left the cheesecake-laden spoon of her husband, but everyone else was eating normally. Only clocked one pair of silicon boobies in the place and most women were comfortably upholstered and friendly.

The worst aspect was the absolutely dreadful music played in the treatment rooms. I cannnot tell you how indescribably awful it was. We had the Wind Beneath Your Wings (orchestral version) going on which was an unfortunate choice bearing in mind the high fibre food we'd all been consuming for the last three days. The poor therapists hate it too and can't turn it up, down or off. The shop's also stocked with what appears to be hideous cruise-wear but it seemed to be very popular so that must just be me.

It's complicated....

2010-11-15T09:00:00.000Z

I over-complicate things. I will never simply travel from A to B without attempting to rope in a quick drop-off at M which results in me being incredibly late for B. I have been sent an amazingly simple but effective product, Colorsport's Eyebrow Definer; a fine nibbed sort of 'cosmetic felt tip' which you use to simply fill in the gaps on your brow. It's in a sensible universal brown, it stays put once on, it lasts all day, it's fine enough to look real and has a less spiky texture than an eyebrow pencil.

I was at Champneys over the weekend and sashayed down to breakfast in Eyebrow Definer and a dressing gown. My friend said "ooh, you look glamorous". I hadn't even brushed my hair, which illustrates my point that neat brows are a great way of looking groomed even if the rest of you has been pulled through a hedge.

If you don't fancy investing £25 in the big HD Eyebrow Palette and your brows are in good nick, then I recommend this.

A sock of rice

2010-11-14T09:00:00.001Z

Well I learnt an awful lot on my trip to Hair Organics Notting Hill. I learnt that shops like Harry Enfield's "I Saw You Coming" really exist. I also learnt that Tom Jones faked his spectacular....um...silhouette with a sock full of rice. All this came courtesy of Rachel, who is not only an excellent hairdresser but extremely entertaining company. If you're after cooing adoration then she's probably not the stylist for you. "You've got a bit of a mullet going on there, haven't you?" was her opening (and entirely deserved) gambit to me, and "Let's chop into this and make you a bit less Krusty the Klown" was her suggestion to the adoring Swedish teenage boy who was having his curly locks chopped in the next chair.

The other important bit about the salon is that they are genuinely committed to organics - the lightener is taken from seaweed, the conditioner they used on me was an avocado product which smelled divine and my hair is still very soft and shiny ten days on, the Daniel Field colour is all organic and the whole place has a very happy vibe. Rachel gave me a great cut and rather than moaning at me when I confessed to rarely even blow drying my hair, never mind getting round to any form of styling, she suggested a style that did not require me to force it to do anything it didn't fancy. Up until then I had always asked for a certain style that required it to behave unnaturally and then complaining bitterly when it didn't do it and blaming myself for not being sufficiently dedicated. So; organic and pragmatic. What more could you want? And don't forget to ask about the rice.....

Thyme for socks

2010-11-13T21:01:00.000Z

Chey Birch, the charming Australian behind Black Chicken Remedies' Love Your Body oil, launching in February in Selfridges, immediately endeared herself to me when we met in Clerkenwell's Modern Pantry by describing my blog as "frisky". I wasn't feeling particularly frisky, as I had had rather a trying meeting coupled with a chest infection, for which Chey immediately prescribed thyme essential oil to be applied to the soles of my feet. I have yet to track any thyme oil down, but such is the mesmerising power of the Black Chicken (a legendary apothecary figure) that I intend to.

The Love Your Body oil itself is good; a blend of twelve essential oils that all do their separate things to moisturise and balance your skin. It is light, unlike some of the oils I have moaned about on these very pages that take several hours to absorb and then leave you smelling like patchouli-drenched Glastonbury knickers, and leaves your skin slightly glossy and very well moisturised, a blessing in these drab dark days of Autumn.

We had a very useful discussion about labelling; Marianna, the PR, described a visit to a beauty desk in a department store to ask about a cream that was described as "all organic". She noticed a couple of unlikely looking ingredients on the list and asked about them. "Well, nearly organic. Natural then. Or something," was the grumpy response. Organic is not an adjective; if the word has any integrity it has to be used properly, as Chey does. Natural does not mean hypo-allergenic either; millions of people are allergic to peanuts and eggs and you can't get more natural than that.

I am about to embark on a course of the body oil to see if I can sort out my skin as it is behaving very oddly at the moment. I shall let you know how I get on.

Dial M for....

2010-11-04T09:00:00.002Z

M Lab has produced a truly wonderful cleanser. Bracingly medicinal smelling, yellow in colour with exfoliating particles and 62% clinically active ingredients it is described as an anti-ageing, brightening cleanser. I am always anxious about the term 'anti-ageing' but brightening it most certainly is, resulting in tighter pores and soft, plump feeling and evenly toned skin. Excellent for giving grey Autumn skin a lift.

As is my wont, I tried it for a week and then looked up the price; it's around $40 but I would actually say it is worth it. Stick it on your Christmas list. It's on mine.

Turkey neck - not just for Christmas...

2010-11-03T09:00:00.002Z

Necks and chests are such a give-away, particularly when tanned. Lovely criss-crossing white lines score your decolletage, shouting "Look! Left to my own devices I look like an aerial map of the Niger Delta!" Clinique CX is a neck and chest de-aging cream. De-aging? Once again, what on earth does that mean? 'Stops things getting any worse and may reverse them a little', I believe.

It is not perfumed and is wonderfully rich feeling. As all neck and chest creams instruct, you must apply it stroking upwards; my belief is that this massage itself does a lot of the "de-aging" (such an ugly term - maybe "re-youthing?). I have been trying it for a fortnight and the vertical furrows ploughed down my poor old chestal area do seem to have receded, although it says on the pot to expect results after a month. So clearly, after a month, I should have the perky unlined boob area of Holly Willoughby.

However; I still got the best results with Jurlique's Herbal Recovery Neck Serum, although to me it smelled foul ; others seemed to think it was undetectable. That's me you see; crepey cleavage but an UNBEATABLE nose.

Hair spraaaa....aaaa.....ay!!!!!!

2010-11-02T09:00:00.009Z

My mother in law is allergic to hairspray. Her hair has a slight wave which she likes to keep strictly under control, but she has to restrict her hairspray use to high days and holidays as she ends up sneezing all night. She brushes it out, but the residue on the pillow irritates her no end.

I asked her to try Organic Control System's hairspray from Herb UK. She was dubious, as she has worked her way through many brands all of which has resulted in herself nearly sneezing herself out of bed. But it worked like a treat. She doused herself in it at a wedding, was impressed with the hold and had a sneeze- free night.

Flushed with this success, I asked Sam in Hampshire to test Organic Care Systems Aquaboost. She is a brunette with fine hair, hardly any grays and uses GHD frequently but not daily. She was using Aussie or Mop products, and her hair had a tendency to frizz unless she used "piles of products" as she put it to calm it down. When asked to describe the range she said "Oh I lovelovelove! Leave-in conditioner smells a little chip-oily but overall great stuff...lovely shiny hair, not much needed, washed out very well, lovely and soft." She had a battle with the pump dispenser on the hair mask; I too am jinxed with the curse of the pump dispenser on so many products I sympathise. A double win for me, I think. And now - the Middle East.....

I hate the word "tint"

2010-11-01T15:42:00.000Z

The more you say it the odder it sounds. "Tint". Go on. "It's gone all weird" as Miranda says. Anyway; my irrational dislike for the word tint aside, this product's ace. Very good value at £8.99 for 150ml, you apply it after shampooing and before conditioning. I found that actually if I used this I didn't need to condition it as well. It's natural, smells faint but nice and you only need a smidge to get soft, moisturised feeling hair. You can get it here.

In the right metier

2010-10-25T17:02:00.001+01:00

Doing anything London-based next week? Here's something that sounds good....
To celebrate the opening of the new Le Métier de Beauté counter at Selfridges four make-up artists are going to introduce the brand:

Events are:

Friday 29th October – Flawless Foundation
Create the perfect base and glow with immaculate skin. The first 5 customers to quote ‘Flawless Foundation’ at the counter will receive a complimentary Blonzer.
Saturday 30th October – Treat Yourself
Discover Peau Vierge and the first 5 customers to quote ‘Peau Vierge’ at the counter will receive a complimentary Peau Vierge Anti-Ageing Correcteur.

Sunday 31st October – Perfect Lips
Perfect your pout with luscious glosses and lip sticks. The first 5 customers to quote ‘Perfect Lips’ at the counter will receive a complimentary limited edition Sheer Brilliance in Turkish Smoke (not available at retail).

Monday 1st November – Couche de Couleur
Learn the Le Métier de Beauté signature smoky eye. The first 5 customers to quote ‘Couche de Couleur’ at the counter will receive a complimentary Precision Liquid Liner in Noir.

Tuesday 2nd November – The Finale
Attend a master class with Mikey Castillo to create your signature look. The first 5 customers to book in and attend will receive a goody bag including the coveted Precision Liquid Liner, Sheer Brilliance Lip Gloss, Blonzer in Maldives Magic and the versatile Dualistic Lip Liner in Rose.

Sounds good, doesn't it? Hands up, I know little about the brand but the range sounds good.....

Short and curlies

2010-10-25T09:00:00.001+01:00

As part of my occasional agony aunt series, which I like to call "Oh my God what's that?" Sarah has been in touch. She is in her early thirties, white, with very dark, thick curly hair. She was under the impression that the curliness of her hair extended across her entire body as she suffers with ingrowing hairs on her legs. I have done some investigation and discovered that the solutions to his problem range from common sense to very expensive.

The E:One is expensive but is a permanent hair removal device that uses Intense Pulse Light technology (which is laser) with medical certification to allow it to be used at home.

It works by the heat cauterizing the vessel connecting to the base of the hair, effectively destroying the hair causing it to fall out and never grow again. After 10-12 treatments skin should be completely hair free, with only 1 or 2 uses per year required to maintain. However; it costs £1,450 from www.e-swin.com. There's a payment plan, which allows you to pay it over the space of 12-60 months and at the moment it is £1,250.

Court House Clinics say that "people with curly hair are not particularly prone to in-growing hair." Their specialists recommend that Sarah exfoliates regularly as dry skin can block follicles, causing the hair to grow inward. I think that's a very useful tip - I'd never heard that before.

Court House offer a laser hair removal system, Soprano, the first painless system and one of the only lasers able to treat all skin types.

A full leg is £220 per treatment or £1,155 for a course of 6 (with treatments taking place every 4-6 weeks).

Emily Davies of www.bathandunwind.com suggests that Sarah should "exfoliate the affected areas very regularly with something like Murad AHA/BHA Exfoliating Cleanser as this contains Salicylic and Glycolic Acids (fruit acids) which work really well on this kind of problem. It may sting but this shows it's working. After a few applications it will stop stinging as skin gets used to it. After hair removal use Alpha H Liquid Gold which again contains Glycolic Acid ( and will sting at first – no gain without pain) . Or to soothe use Shave Works – The Cool Fix which releases trapped hairs from under the skin, kills the bacteria and prevents the ingrown hair reoccurring. It is suitable for every part of the body."

Dr Elizabeth Dancey of the Bijoux Medi-Spa says that either Sarah should go completely hairy and then the hairs would stop growing inwards or have them removed - once and for all by laser. Interestingly Dr Dancey says "there is a tiny muscle in the base of each hair follicle which pulls the short hair post having etc back into the follicle and then it grows under the skin." Waxing encourages this.

I have suggested to Sarah that she request laser tokens from her friends and family for Christmas - one limb each. Hairy Christmas.

Paul & Joe - the perfect present

2010-10-21T09:00:00.000+01:00

If you want to give a gift that will make women coo, and I mean really coo in the way some do over babies and shoes, take a look at the Paul & Joe make-up range. I have said it before and I shall say it again; the packaging is the most elegant and appealing on the market today and is perfect present fodder. The face colour comes in a little box sprinkled with very Twenties looking little flowers - gorgeous. Anyhow: the product inside isn't bad either. A face colour (mine was 'harvest moon') that is half sparkly and half matte that gives a grey Autumn face a bit of a lift.

Highbrow eyebrow

2010-10-20T11:06:00.001+01:00

Eyebrow maintenance, I believe, is a little like exercise. You feel generally anxious about it as everyone else seems to do very complex things and you just plod on doing what you've always done and hoping you're getting away with it.

My father had Denis Healey eyebrows which would shoot skywards in moments of comedy or drama and my sister and I live in fear that we are going to wake up one morning with two strips of badger hair over each eye. I am also starting to develop terrifying white coarse eyebrow hairs - only one every three months but it's enough to make me book in for a haircut and go on a diet immediately every time I discover one.

I went to Liberty recently to seek eyebrow advice and spoke to the Nars lady, who sold me completely the wrong colour eyebrow pencil. They look utterly drawn on when I use it, like a pantomime dame.

Then this arrived - ta da! The HD Eyebrow palette. Six neutral shades, the right tools (sponge pads, definition brush) to fill in eyebrow gaps and highlight the browline and, splendidly, a very large, very clear mirror. It's a fabulous kit; really excellent.

With this kit you can get exactly the right colour, whether you want to go a little darker for a more dramatic evening look or just nicely groomed for daytime. There's no gimmicks, the powder's good quality, and for around £25 I think it's a bargain. Set to be my product of the year.

You see; it has the word "sport" in it

2010-10-19T12:32:00.000+01:00

This week I have mostly been trying Colorsport 24 Hour Eyeliner in black for "long lasting colour". I take exception to that; when I tried it, it began to flake and move within two hours of application.

First the cap was practically welded on, so when I finally managed to yank it off it sprayed black inky stuff all down my top. I attempted the "smooth even line" but the tip is so hard it is literally like drawing with a biro which is not very sympatico when one is aware that what you are drawing you are going to have to live with for the next 24 hours. It did dry quickly, to its credit, but as for it being "long lasting" I cannot agree. A mere two hours later it had slid and smudged and bizarrely began to flake. Not a fan. But then me and anything connected with the word "sport" are jinxed from the start....

Wildlash. Not Whiplash.

2010-10-11T14:32:00.000+01:00

Exciting, isn't it? I felt a bit seventeen when I put these Wildlash sparkly false eye lashes on. They're actually much more subtle in real life than they appear in the picture. I went to my friend Allie's party and Anne peered at me with interest. "What have you done? Is that eyeliner, or have you been making Christmas cards again?" (The last time I attempted to make Christmas cards with the children the sitting room ended up looking like GAY on Kylie night).

Considering what very good value they are I can recommend the lashes for a bit of oomph. They stayed in place perfectly. I am not entirely sure how happy they would be at being used again. I shall try again tonight and let you know.

I used Duo Eyelash Adhesive to stick 'em, which is a lot cheaper than the Shiseido, but worked just as well. I find that the skin in the many thousands of creases in the corner of my eyes gets very sensitive after I've used eyelash glue. I don't know whether I count as fully allergic to it but they feel sore. If anyone's come across a hypoallergenic one I would love to try it.

Highlights, syrup and glue

2010-10-09T21:47:00.000+01:00

Excellent brand, Melvita. It is worthy, organic and natural to make you feel virtuous when using it but feels thick, creamy and luxurious enough to still feel indulgent. Like most women if I use conditioner any higher up than my ears I end up with lank and flat, if shiny hair. And as my hair is coloured, if I forgo conditioner I get a halo of dry, flyaway hair that makes me resemble Lord Longford in a stiff breeze. This stuff is the answer - I used it simply on the bits that snag on the hairbrush if I don't use a conditioner and it worked very well. It seems to smooth without being too heavy. I got my junior tester, aged 7, to try it also; any detangling stuff that works on her hair, which is usually laden with golden syrup from her porridge and Copydex glue, is good stuff. She inspected it on her hands, declared it to be "smelling of lovely stuff a bit like fruit but feeling like cream" and it worked, although it does need to be left on for a while - maybe three or four minutes. So if you're a fan of golden syrup or not desperately keen on the Lord Longford look for Autumn, give it a go. It's just launched in WholeFoods on Brewer Street, London.

Johnson's touchable billboard

2010-10-07T10:51:00.000+01:00

Ooh can't quite figure out the look on that man's face....hurry up and get down to Westfield and get your year's supply....

Get going and get Frontcover to Go

2010-10-07T10:09:00.000+01:00

Frontcover To Go is down from £35 to £16 from TOMORROW for one week at Boots! The limited edition palette is Gift of the Week from Oct 8-14 only, and if I may say so, would make the perfect Christmas "Look how much I spent on you, younger sister (except I didn't really but you don't know that)" present.

Touch a billboard!

2010-10-06T11:55:00.000+01:00

Pop down to Westfield Shopping Centre tomorrow and see the world's first tactile billboard. From 9am on Thursday the billboard goes up with real life models. If you're in the first 100 visitors you win a year's supply of Johnson's 24 hour moisturising stuff, which I can recommend.... Oh go on; how often do you get to fiddle with a billboard?

It's alive, I tell you!

2010-10-04T13:02:00.000+01:00

More handcrafted living organicness from Live Native - a beauty serum this time. After my faux pas last time in which I was rude about it because I hadn't read the instructions properly, I was extremely conscientious and read EVERYTHING. It's very good - an amber coloured oily serum that you use mere dots of and it moisturises beautifully, and perked up my crinkly old eyes no end. Perfect for anyone who is normally wary of serums and their break-out potential. This is very light and absorbs very quickly. I could put make-up on about five minutes after application and it was fine. And knowing that you are using something handcrafted and rustic does make you feel slightly less self-indulgent at using a beauty serum....I mean, just look at the website! Have you ever seen anything more serene and grown-up in your life?

Every lady needs a chaperone

2010-10-01T11:57:00.000+01:00

I have to admit to a sneaking feeling of relief when Autumn comes around as I can finally give up any pretense that I care whether or not I have a "beach body" (what is that anyway? Bit gritty, with people lying on it?) and I can start wearing warm tights with boots. The bit I don't like about it is the weird sensation that your skin has been tightened one notch by the epidermis elf. It is how I imagine a facelift must feel and am constantly surprised that I don't have that Joan Rivers "cat being stroked too hard" look around the eyes; it just feels as though I do.

Elemis Intense Eye and Lip Cream has helped immensely, and not just by improving my mood by making me laugh when I read that the "new technology" they have used to create the cream is called "Chaperone". It's a strange melange of elderly lady accompanying you to the museum and a flaky lip...but odd names aside, this a gorgeous rich cream that absorbs quickly and really restores a soft, plump feel to your skin. I am using it more than I should simply because it is such a comfort when I come staggering in from the school run with a face like a kipper. If you get one now, you get a free eye mask cream with it. If you are feeling a bit weatherbeaten, this is the stuff for you.

Shampoo - tested by all the great chefs

2010-09-17T10:55:00.000+01:00

Now - we'd better have a chat about my sister. I may have introduced her to you before, so forgive me if I repeat myself. Charlotte is a chef, (her blog is here), works 16 hour days, rarely wears make-up and it came as a shock to her that soap was not most women's cleanser of choice. She very much enjoys the parcels of stuff that come for me to test because she likes reading the press releases and laughing heartily. However; this time I managed to get her to test some shampoo for me. Liz Earle Naturally Active Haircare shampoo, to be specific.

"This highly anticipated launch has been 6 years in the making with a breakthrough cleansing agent derived from coconut," said the press release. This is what Charlotte said:

"It is bloody marvellous. It smells lovely - it foams, unlike others that sit in your hand as a gloopy mess never getting any bubbles, and I do like a bit of foam, and they put on the bottle that a little goes a long way. Hooray for a bit of honesty!

The best thing though, and I mean I am ecstatic about this, truly, is that I tried it, did a 14hr shift under a grill and next to a stove in a humid kitchen, whilst wearing a hat all day, and when I got changed and took off my hat my hair was fine! It wasn't lank and greasy and horrible. It hadn't stuck to my forehead like a bad imitation of Rab C Nesbit, it looked clean, I could put my fingers through it and had the rest of me not smelt like a chippy I could have gone out without having to do a thing with it! Yay for this shampoo. I have never been more excited over "product."

Ladies, and I am being very very honest about this, if my sister unashamedly uses the word "product" then this stuff is nothing short of miraculous.

Sparkly shower smells

2010-09-09T11:48:00.000+01:00

Now we know my feelings on shower gels. There is no need for us to go there again and for me to get all steamed up and cross and you to look at me like that and oh, well, you know.... However circumstances have conspired against me as Simon has fallen in love with one. I knew it would come, eventually. It is EO Grapefruit and Mint shower gel. EO is a daft name and sounds like a Teletubby's greeting but there we are; the shower gel itself is a winner. Very sharp and sweet smell, goes on without sliding off immediately. It is organic and natural, very straightfoward, and Simon has...well, he has a crush on it. I took it on holiday with us (when you go to Wales you spend a lot of time in the shower, trying to wash the mud off) and he came roaring out of the shower, wild-eyed. "What's that stuff?" I stared at him. "In the shower. Smells lovely. Have you got more of it? We might run out. I love it. Get more of it."

I finished up using an Ipad up a mountain in Snowdonia to track it down and order two more bottles just so he was reassured that he wouldn't suddenly be denied. Sometimes it's like living with Niles Crane.

Eyeko okay

2010-09-07T11:32:00.000+01:00

I'm back! Sorry. Hiatus owing to moving house and going on hols. Back now, raring to go, and have found the ironing board which was the last thing that was MIA.

On the whole I tend to avoid things with the word "fat" in the title as I am under the impression they will somehow make me fatter. Eyeko fat balm is a tubby, pretty little pot with a really wide stick that you can use as a lip balm and blusher. As it has a faint shimmer it becomes a cross between a lipstick and a balm. It is an excellent choice for summer, or to give you a bit of an Autumn, appley-glow. Very pleasing, as was the Eyeko cream.

Bowe Blood, sweat and tears

2010-06-23T11:26:00.000+01:00

Wow! Cop a load of this titfer. This is Tessa, who very kindly created the hats for Adele Riley's St Martin's show, in her Ascot hat. Where would you even BEGIN to create something that looked like that?

My dogs are barking

2010-06-20T18:09:00.000+01:00

Frenemies. I enjoy that phrase. My MBTs are my frenemies. I glower at them on the shoe rack, as they sit like two little dogs, waiting expectantly for me to take them out for a walk. And just like walking a dog, you do it grudgingly initially and then before you know where you are, you're throwing sticks and running. Obviously I am not chucking sticks about on the school run but you get my drift. The reason I begrudge them is because they Make Me Work. Anyone who thinks they are a gimmick has never felt the tightening of a tendon and the twinge of a muscle as you march along. They really stretch and work your muscles, and you do feel a difference, no question. My bum is tighter and my flabby calves less flabby. Not exactly relaxing footwear, but that's not the idea, and you do feel phenomenally smug after wearing them as you're getting twice the value out of your walk as you would normally. I love them. But don't tell them, will you?

Just Blink + Go

2010-06-18T18:04:00.001+01:00

Blink + Go is a brand associated with false eyelashes, but they have made the foray into eye make-up palettes, and v. pretty they are too. Very vivid brights with ample pigment, but I liked the warm bronzes, coppers and greys palette best. I am just not ready for all the traffic light brights yet. And doubt I will ever be. The neatest thing about this is the packaging, once you have got to grips with it. It's taken me two sessions of "Look at this! Look, you just flip open this little thing here....oh no, not that bit. Where is it? This bit! Ta-daa....oh hang on, that's upside down..." before I could remember how to open the flipping thing. The blusher is cunningly hidden inside, along with a dinky brush etc. Perfect for a handbag.

WYSIWYG

2010-06-16T17:54:00.004+01:00

Another hero product for the mother that resents being seduced by packaging and copywriting - Wilko Suncare Kids’ Moisturising Sun Lotion (200ml) - £3.98. It's purple so you can see where you've been and they find hilarious, ("Will I be purple all day mummy will I? Will people think I am a grape mummy? Will people look and say why is that boy purple mummy will they?"), slathers on like emulsion paint (like all children's sun lotions) but stays put for ages and stopped my two getting any trace of a burn despite being in ferocious....er....Lancashire sunlight for a week at half term. Hurrah for products for children that do their job with no fuss! Not a trace of a "little sunflowers' restful quinoa balm" and thank goodness for that.

Blossom time

2010-06-14T17:45:00.000+01:00

Skin Blossom shampoo and conditioner is one of the products mothers love. It's has fresh packaging, no unpleasant sounding chemicals, smells clean and delightful and works beautifully. I found it wasn't great on coloured hair like mine, but it worked brilliantly on the children, as I believe it would on anyone whose hair is au naturel. Children are indifferent to it, which sounds like a bad thing but the alternative is for them to become obsessed with a product (like my daughter is with Hubble Bubble shower gel) and use half a bottle in one go. It's such good value too, (£4.75 for 100ml) compared with some of the more gimmicky middle-class organic shampoos. I am all for avoiding chemicals as much as possible but I am NOT paying £13 for a miniscule bottle of shampoo that I am using to remove porridge from someone's fringe.

Become an AirHed

2010-06-12T17:37:00.001+01:00

My latest reviewer is Isobel, 7, who has long thick hair. She tried one of the AirHedz Glo hairbrushes from Kent, that have ions in that are supposed to reduce environmental damage and improve hair health. "They are very pretty to look at. Mine was purpley. When I brushed my hair it hurt a bit, and when Mummy brushed it it really hurt, but she always does it too hard. The spikes feel quite hard and scratchy, and maybe grownups with long hair like that, but I didn't much. Mummy put it in her handbag for her hair, and it did make it go shiny. It made mine shiny too but it was too much for my head." The verdict is if you have a child with long thick hair not a lot beats Tangletamer, but to feel as if you're doing your follicles a whole heap of good, join the AirHedz.

It's that time of year

2010-06-10T17:34:00.000+01:00

English people sit in the sun for half an hour, drinking rose and feeling all Mediterranean. Then they feel a bit itchy and dry. They go in, discover their skin is scarlet and raised, then it all falls off and they worry they have skin cancer and No-one to Blame But Themselves. Yes? Yes.

Obviously sun tan cream (and a lot of it) is the answer (I would recommend Piz Buin's Sun Allergy Factor 15 stuff. It's genius. I normally come up in some weird sort of hives arrangement after any sunshine but this is great, and in a sensible squirty container too), but for afterwards, Alva’s Organic Sea Buckthorn Skin Oil is an option. It costs £17.00 for 100ml.

I asked the palest person I know to try it when she went to Spain. She also has very dry skin on her legs, and it worked splendidly on them, she said, making them feel moisturised and smooth. It does have a yellowy tinge, which I have noted in other Sea Buckthorn products, which doesn't matter so much when one has a smattering of tan. Not so much that it makes you appear as if your kidneys have packed up, obviously. As for the smell, Ellie described it as "fresh at the start, verging on the patchouli at the end of the day. Sinks in nicely, worked very well as an after-sun, sorted out my dry legs but didn't half sting when I put it on after I shaved them."

My eye and Betty Martin

2010-05-28T20:35:00.005+01:00

I have no idea what that phrase means but my grandma used to say it. Mind you she also used to say the word "ooh yer razzer" as a way of expressing surprise so there we are.

My eye went weird. I think it was eczema but it didn't itch. It may have been facial tan. Oh, yes, I know it says on all the jolly old do's and don'ts 'keep away from eyes! Your eyes will drop out and you will be blinded! No, honestly you will!" but who reads that? Well, everyone. Who takes any notice of it? No-one, that's who. So I didn't.

Anyway - I tried some Paul Penders Cell Renewal Serum. It worked very well for the first two days and then it began to irritate it so I stopped, but I did start using it on a rather embarrassing cat scratch I have on my right boob (no pic of that you will be v. relieved to hear). The cat had legged it on to the road and I galloped out in my nightdress to grab it before it disappeared and it showed its gratitude by scratching me to ribbons. But enough of the cat - the serum is marvellous! Cat scratch scar is fading away nicely. It begins by making the scar go slightly red, which I took to be a good sign as it was activating the cells, and then seemed to dissolve the edges. Excellent stuff, but beware the rather inflammatory stuff about breast cancer on the bottom of the instruction leaflet. Enjoy the product, ignore the bumf.

So - cat scratch solved. Manky eye still very much present. I then drew on my trusty supply of Aveeno (makes superhero type fanfare noise). I have recommended Aveeno to so many people - for mums with babies with eczema which the aqueous cream they've been prescribed is making worse, to a young girl of 22 who has eczema since adolescence and Aveeno is the only thing that has fixed it...it's a wonder product. And of course, it worked on my eye. Well, ooh yer razzer.

Mad Hatter

2010-05-27T13:07:00.001+01:00

Memory like a sieve, me. Dreadful. How are you, anyway? Why did you ring me again?

I meant to say that I have discovered a fabulous milliner. Yes! I have always wanted to discover a milliner, and now I have. She is called Tess Cunniffe, her company is Bowe Blood Millinery and her website is here. Doesn't Bowe Blood Millinery sound somehow Jane Austen and piratical at the same time? Tess produced the hats for Adele Riley's show at St Martin's last week, and very elegant they were to. So if you fancy something racy for Ascot, a wedding, or even the school run if you're feeling a bit chic, give Tess a ring.

No-one tells me anything

2010-05-26T09:00:00.002+01:00

Did you know that Piz Buin was owned by Johnson's? Well, did you? How come you did and I didn't, then?

You HAVE to try Piz Buin Self Tanning 360 Multi Position Mist Spray. Crazy name....very good product. it was supposed to be just for legs but as usual I ignored the instructions and used it everywhere. It's a spray, which is excellent as you can get on with it briskly, it seems to float over your skin rather than drag which means you are not thinking "oh bugger, streaks ahoy" every time you feel that pull. Now I have always been told to exfoliate but not moisturise before self-tanning as that makes it streaky, but the nice lady in the information I was sent with the Spray says do moisturise. However, me being me again, I read that as I was sitting on the edge of my bed inspecting my legs after spraying them.

I left my arms Piz Buin free as I wanted to try out the Vita Liberata on them. I had tried the Rich Chocolate one, beloved of celebrities according to the website, and didn't get on too well with it. However the 24 carat shimmer is much better. Vita says don't moisturise before you tan, by the way. Very confusing. I applied it and it did develop into a golden tan. It looks natural and there is no digestive biscuit smell either. It has a hint of sparkle to it as well. Good product, absolutely appalling website though. Spelling mistakes and terrible layout. At one stage it was advising me to apply a "large grape sized lump per half limp". That took a bit of re-reading, I can tell you. I read it in between admiring my tanned, sparkly arms.

Poster girl

2010-05-25T20:36:00.001+01:00

Ah, primary school. Do you remember the unalloyed joy of opening up a new pot of poster paint, and seeing the perfect, bright quivering disc of colour just waiting for you to dip your brush in, swirl it around then inevitably muddle it up with all the others and create a sort of khaki porridge effect. I felt much the same unveiling the new Artists II mineral make-up palette from Jane Iredale. The colours are vivid; cut grass, sky blue, etc. My daughter was open-mouthed when she saw them and couldn't believe they were something as dull as eye shadow. It's all about combining, this; having a play with them and seeing what works together. Truffle and sky blue - yes. Cut grass and copper also yes. Copper and truffle on me - woah, no. It lasts a reasonable amount of time, goes on smoothly with a finger or a brush and doesn't sprinkle everywhere. It's a good starter pack, in a way. You can get most colour shades by mixing, but be prepared to indulge in a bit of trial and error. And watch out for the khaki porridge.

Tea. A lot of it.

2010-05-24T09:00:00.001+01:00

Have you been to the Hummingbird Cafe? Fiona of Red Consultancy is thinking of taking up residence there, every Wednesday afternoon, holding court in her red plush chair and introducing people to the wonder of Johnson's products. Or possibly Johnson & Johnson. I got confused - she did explain to me which was which but the combination of the cheesecake and the fact that I had managed to tip hot tea over her not once, but twice, put me off somewhat. Fiona however is one of those charming middle class PR girls who takes things like people pouring hot tea over her completely in her stride.
She fixed me with a genial grin over her red velvet cake and said "Now you don't like scented things, do you? This has stuffed me up a bit." I hastily pointed out that I did like scented things very much, I just couldn't see a great deal of point in scented and expensive shower gels that disappear down the plug hole, don't scent you, but make the bathroom smell delightful. Like a magician with a rabbit, Fiona rummaged in her bag and produced Shea and Cocoa Body Wash, body moisturiser and exfoliator. I've tried it, and really if I am going to pay all of about £3 for body wash I don't mind at all if it just makes the bathroom smell nice. Actually, it made all of me smell nice - a little like Palmer's but without being so cloying. The "bits" in the exfoliator were too small, too sparse and not gritty enough to do any real smoothing out. The body lotion was good - absorbed quickly, produced nice soft skin, again with the summery cocoa butter smell. The shower gel was as good as the Elemis I tried (which was around four times the price of the Johnson's) and the moisturiser very good.

Fiona also pressed some make up removal wipes on me. I pulled a face, having been told by a facialist that they were "only for festivals. And not even then." Fiona fixed me with a steely look. "Using them is better than not using anything." Suitably abashed, I have them by the side of my bed for those nights when I simply have no energy left to lift a finger - usually when I fall asleep listening to Radio 7 and dream that I am sleeping with Chris Addison. So next Wednesday, pop along to the Hummingbird Bakery, Wardour Street, Soho. Ask for Fiona. Or just follow the smell of cocoa butter.

Bakel Collagen - the new minimalism

2010-05-23T21:23:00.002+01:00

I would very much like to be one of those women who are not swayed by packaging, nonsense in Elle magazine, the fact that Cameron Diaz wears it etc. I was sent some Bakel Collagen Firming Formula to try, which definitely is aimed at women who also wish to prove how Above It All they are. It's in a plain white cylinder, minimal copy, and the best bit, minimal ingredients. It is just glycerin, natto gum and panthenol. It doesn't smell of anything, it it isn't "complemented with organic lavender and orangutan poo". It is extremely expensive (ironic, isn't it, that you have to pay more for products with less in them?) and it takes a while to settle, but it does a good plumping job and you feel very brisk, efficient and Italian when using it.

Central St Martin's puts on a show

2010-05-20T20:19:00.000+01:00

PHENOMENAL show at Central St Martin's by new talent Adele Riley. Her collection was called "Sunday Best" and her influence was the Sunday clothes that the ladies in the Bronx would go to church in in the Fifties. Gorgeous long, lean lines and so elegant. The hair was incredible - half hat, half hair. You can see Gemma and Anna from Errol Douglas' salon who did the hair talking about it here. And here is what is technically known as "the aftermath" of a show. Pins, bits of hair weave, cans of hair spray and exhaustion.

Hit or Elemis?

2010-05-17T14:54:00.000+01:00

Everyone loves Elemis. They keep being voted "Best Product in World for Everything", and I do indeed think that the Elemis decolletage and bust cream is pretty marvellous. They sent me some of that, some of the moisturiser which does a nice plumping, firming job, plus some Exotic Frangipani Monoi bath and shower cream. It smells like heaven, but I don't really see the point of extravagantly whiffy and glorious shower creams or gels or whatever. You put them in your hand, they smell gorgeous, you anoint yourself with them, it glides over your skin for ooh....about 0.02 seconds before it's all swished down the plughole. You step out of the shower and the next person that comes in says "smells nice in here. What was that?" What they don't say is "you smell nice." Because you don't smell of anything, but the shower does.

Channelling Madonna....

2010-05-14T17:54:00.010+01:00

"I look like Madonna!" yelled Sally down the phone. Bit tricky to know how to answer this, as it all depends on how the shout-ee feels about Madonna. I kept quiet until she filled me in. "My hands," she says, "look old and ropey." (See? Good job I hadn't responded with "Yes you're a dead ringer". She isn't anyway - much prettier.)

This is all her baby's fault, who, although adorable, does require her to wash her hands every two and a half minutes on average. I sent her Neostrata Hand and Nail Cream which she now keeps by her laptop and slathers on every time baby Milo, exhausted with creating havoc, falls asleep. "It smells expensive, and nice," she says, "and my hands look all plump and smooth when I put it on. I still think it probably all disappears when I have to wash my hands again, but they feel nicer. And I don't look like Madonna any more."

Vogue

2010-05-11T09:00:00.001+01:00

Someone once said that the secret to a happy life as a woman was to never, ever read a woman's magazine. I am with them on that. Sadly I have to read the damn things and v depressing they can be too. Especially when the colours that are recommended for that season are colours that make you look as if you've just been run over. Coral, anyone? Bronze? I was, frankly, terrified. Clinique sent me its new Power Surge eyeshadow palette to try, in which bronzey type pinky things occurred.

Turns out, I like it. There is a dark velvety brown (the one at the top) which when it goes on turns into a mossy bronze which is just gorgeous. I have to be careful with the peachy one as if I am not careful I can look like an old lady about to embark on a cruise (that is when it is worn with bronzer - on my usual consumptive face it looks good). It lasts the entire day and does not require any touch-ups, and doesn't crease or slide.

The Itchy and Scratchy Show

2010-05-10T12:39:00.000+01:00

Samantha from Hampshire tweeted about her itchy hair and scalp, which we decided was behaving like a sulky adolescent. It didn't appreciate what Samantha did for it, stayed out late and TREATED THIS HOUSE LIKE A HOTEL. It further transpired that Samantha was punishing said hair by using Elvive on it. I recommended several thousand obscure products but she topped me completely by triumphantly tweeting about Australian Organics shampoo, which she got from that obscure and exclusive resource...er...Tesco. For £3.50. She has used it, happy hair and no itching. I am biding my time though....I shall wait until she has an eyelash problem as no-one can beat me on eyelashes. No. One. (laughs maniacally.....)

Mummy can I have a peony!

2010-05-07T16:00:00.002+01:00

L'Occitane sent me some of their new scent, Paeonia, to try, along with some of their make-up range. The fragrance is very very discreet and summery. It smells, if I can do this without getting a bit synaesthesic, green. Bit of new mown grass, bit of warm evenings, bit of National Trust herbaceous borders - beautiful. Very simply packaged which is as refreshing as the scent in these days of cheap plastic gubbins all over fragrance bottles.

They also sent part of their make up range, a Peony Lip and Cheek Tinted Water. It's a deep pink colour that does just slightly stain with a rosy glow but it's very subtle - better on the cheek than the lip as it does give a bit of a "I've just been romping in hay bales with Laurie Lee" type effect. Unfortunately though there is something about the juxtaposition of the words "peony" and "water" that a) makes me think of pee water and b) think of the water that is left in a flower vase. Unattractive name for a very sweet product.

Curlywurly

2010-05-06T16:00:00.002+01:00

When Amy from Creation PR, a lady of the greatest integrity and intelligence, asked me to test ProLash eyelash growth serum I thought she'd taken leave of her senses. It comes in a silvery cylinder with a teensy brush inside, which you apply to your lash line at beddybyes. In between scoffing and chuckling I did so. And do you know what? It only works. They may not be longer, but they are thicker and also, strangely, curlier. I don't need to curl them any more. It is truly remarkable. I noticed it after a week, and it doesn't seem to have done a great deal to the lower ones but there is a distinct and definite improvement to the upper ones. This, ladies, is the next generation from false eyelashes and all that ruddy glue and bits flopping down etc. Amy, I salute you. I shall never doubt you again.

New addition to the cast of In the Night Garden?

2010-05-05T16:00:00.001+01:00

Lillypilly! Isn’t that fab? No, not the name of one of Jonathan Ross’s offspring but a very good foaming cleanser. It seems to handle pretty much all the cack I can throw at it – fake tan, foundations, and chocolate mousse. The Chem Queen tried the face mask and loved it. The backstories for the products I get sent are becoming more extravagant every time. I am expecting to get a moisturiser that was based on a secret recipe tucked into the mud next to Piltdown Man any day now... Anyway; jam packed with witch hazel, essential oils and other healthy sounding things. And when you buy some they donate money to the indigenous people of Australia. You can make your own donation to Piltdown man.

The lady varnishes

2010-05-04T12:46:00.001+01:00

Essie and OPI (Or essie and opie as manicurists call them, making them sound like a more colourful version of Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae) pretty much dominate the market both in the UK and the States for high level manicuring. The Essie nail polish is a gorgeous watermelon colour, called, surprisingly, Watermelon, that universal red that just goes with everything and everyone’s complexion. I love Essie polish as it lasts for ages and nothing looks glossier. The nail ridge filler-in is a bit of a waste of time, I think. Minor ridges don’t matter and if you have the Grand Canyon rippling across your nails you’re going to need a form of Polyfilla, not what is essentially varnish. I also tried the quick dry top coat and unlike the other sealing finishes I’ve tried, (hello Ciate - I love you but your fast drying top coat just lifted the whole varnish off) it didn’t peel off. And it did dry bloody quickly – I don’t know how it does it, but it works, thus avoiding my usual "surely this time I can fiddle around for my door keys without smudging my...oh, bugger" routine.

Another revelation was Mavala, a Swiss brand. Lovely cafe creme colour, diddy pot that would fit in the smallest bag ever, no stinky smell and lasts for ages. Goes on beautifully. Get some. Even the website is very tranquil and soothing.

Daily Fail

2010-05-03T20:31:00.001+01:00

Me and the Daily Mail disagree on pretty much everything to be fair, but I wasn't expecting one of them to be self-tan. I was sent Vita Liberata Rich Silken Chocolate Tinted Self Tan to try. It looks like chocolate mousse and you apply it with a tanning mitt thingy. I did so and instantly looked fabulously brown and glowing. No dry bits, no streaky bits, nothing. The tan apparently develops over the next four hours and then lasts for seven days.

It said on the bottle not to shower for at least six hours if you were very pale. I am very pale, so shower-dodged until 8am the next morning, when I happily leapt in the shower...and all the tan came off. Well, most of it. The water went a biscuitty colour and I returned to my anaemic looking self. I must be doing something wrong as it's had glowing (excuse the pun) reviews in Vogue etc so will try it again soon and will report back.

Suck it up

2010-04-22T16:15:00.001+01:00

I have a regime! I do, really! I am using REN overnight lipid renewal serum at night which although looks terrifyingly oily actually absorbs very quickly and certainly seems to make my skin feel smooth and plump, although it does smell a little...businesslike. And something about using a serum makes me feel dead grown-up so it’s always a respectful end to the night.

In the mornings I am using Dr Brandt’s tinted moisturiser with SPF 30. This year I am determined to respect my skin and take care of it in the sun. I love Dr Brandt as i was so impressed with the moisturiser I tried before. The problem I had with this was not the stuff itself but with the little pump action gizmo. It was all pump and no action. I finished up having to dismantle it and scrape the moisturiser out with a cotton bud. The moisturiser, once I managed to get my mitts on it, gives a pleasing sunny glow (but be careful to do your neck or you’ll get a mask effect). I am hoping I was given a sample and that the actual dispenser is better designed. Ask for a demo before you buy it to make sure as it’s a lot of money to spend to then be mucking about with cotton buds, however bronzed and soft your skin appears.

In the day I am using this year's must-have ingredient....ladies, I give you.....the Acai berry! Seen everywhere from Vogue to magazines that should be called "Oooh, Doesn't She Look Crap Without a Stylist"...or maybe they should just be called Schadenfreude and have done. Anyway - they are Kiehl's again, and consist of Acai Texture Perfecting Cleanser which foams beautifully and clears off every scrap of make-up, including tough mascara, and the Acai Damage-repairing Serum which looks a bit like home-made jam but is absorbed quickly and does the trick very nicely. I am supposed to look more "radiant" with use - here's hoping.

Lashings of it

2010-04-21T10:46:00.000+01:00

I feel naked without mascara. Probably because some of the time I wear my lovely green glittery Kirk Originals (which incidentally have the coolest sunglasses you will ever see, as well as the most fantastic site - glasses for people who don't want to wear someone else's name on the side of their face....) and unless I wear mascara I feel like a mole blinking in the sunlight. Two mascaras arrived, one, a mineral mascara from Kiehl’s, and one from YSL. The YSL is intended to give the appearance of wearing false lashes. It certainly coats them well and makes them stand out, but doesn’t seem to thicken them at all. The Kiehl’s looks good, doesn’t clog up but is more natural than the YSL. I tried both and preferred the YSL but the Kiehl’s is great if you don’t want to look quite so Cheryl Cole first thing in the morning. Or try the Pure Artifice look - a blinky little mole hiding behind shades.

Gok Wan doesn't meet my eyelashes

2010-04-13T12:18:00.011+01:00

I went to the launch of Jamie Stevens eponymous salon in Woolavington, Somerset, last week. Jamie is hairdresser in residence on How to Look Good Naked and is utterly charming, as is his beautiful girlfriend Megan Zarrabi.

Jolly nice launch it was too – compact but chic salon, rural scenery, Errol Douglas and his lovely model girlfriend Kimberly Thurman, nice canapés and Gok Wan. I was slightly nervous about seeing Gok as I always feel that he is going to put a friendly hand on my shoulder and say “Oh dear, no no no.” I went out for dinner to the Sanctuary in Taunton the night before, which I can heartily recommend, and decided to try the Shu Uemura false eye lashes I had been sent. There were, sadly, no instructions. When one is using glue on a body part instructions would have been, actually, extremely helpful.

I was running late as always, and did everything wrong, with hindsight. I didn’t wait for the glue to go tacky, I blobbed some in my eye on top of my contact lens, I didn’t position them right and then knocked one sideways when I was trying to put eyeshadow on. They survived the night but I was convinced that one was sliding off and I felt that I was winking leerily at people. More than I do normally, I mean. Getting them off was the real problem as I managed to remove a good quarter of an inch of my own eyelashes. So the next day I had to meet Gok with bald eyelids, which looked slightly itchy as well as I had a minor reaction to the glue. I was hoping that he would feel sorry for me as I looked as though I clearly had some kind of weird eyelid complaint. I daredn’t try the falsies again pre-Gok in case I pulled out the remainder of my eyelashes.

I then went online and watched a YouTube video by a charming young American woman who told me how to apply the lashes properly and I realised what a pig’s ear, or eye, I had made of it. She suggested applying the glue in a line to the case and then dipping the lashes in it, rather than sticking glue into one’s eye which was what I had been doing. I tried it and got a much better result. Rather than making me look, as I feared, like a tranny they actually looked quite natural. They have an amazingly revitalising effect, false eyelashes. I now feel a bit below par without them. Next time I meet Gok he’ll presumably think my chemo’s finished.

2010-04-12T12:11:00.000+01:00

I don’t know why it never occurs to me to update my make-up for the changing seasons as I do my wardrobe. Sadly I do not possess sufficient clothes to be able to bring my ‘winter wardrobe’ out of storage – I simply yank out the box from under my bed and start dragging out crumpled dresses that I remember disliking heartily last summer. The sun appeared last weekend, and I appeared in full slap, and Simon squinted at me in the pale spring sunlight and said “Blimey. You look a bit chalky.” I inspected my face and I did indeed look as if I was about to appear in a Noh theatre group.

Then some Biodroga mineral foundation arrived. Good news as I approve of mineral make-up but mineral powders which were supposed to transform into foundations gave me nowhere near enough coverage. This is excellent – the clear colour and few chemicals that are associated with mineral make-up are all there, along with a smooth texture and even coverage. And a rather nice smell. I have binned my Shiseido foundation and replaced it with the Biodroga.

A real eye-opener

2010-04-07T09:00:00.000+01:00

A little bundle of YSL eye pencils arrived to try. A gorgeous teal blue, a black and a startling pale pink. Appropriately for the ice cream colours so on-trend this season it looks like the pink bit of a Neapolitan ice cream. The pencils go on beautifully, with no drag, and stay put. They have rubbery jobs at the end with which to smudge them. I don't really understand that concept as after I have wrestled with an eye pencil for several hours and managed to avoid sneezing, blinking, answering the telephone or sticking it up my nose and got a perfect line, the last thing I want to do is smudge it. But some may be reckless enough to want to do that.

I was intrigued by the pink as the instant I saw it I thought "Conjunctivitis. That is exactly what I will look like if I wore that." I gave it to my blondest possible friend, Ellie, who also reared back in alarm when she saw it. She gave it a go and it looked, actually, great - it's really opened up her eyes. "The colour looks a bit startling when you first see it," she said, "but it's very very pale and you need lots of repeat strokes to get it looking strong enough to see." I think it would look fab with a baby blue top and pale lip gloss - just don't wear it if you're going to address the UN as it takes girlie to a new level.

Update on the Brazilian

2010-04-06T09:00:00.001+01:00

But what, I hear you cry, of Jo with the very dry hair who had the Brazilian? Did she follow instructions and not wash it for 3 days? And then did it turn into an Afro instantly? It did not! In Jo's words...

"It is fab!! It has literally halved the time I need to blow-dry my hair, I have more volume as I don’t have to straighten the hair and in general my hair looks in much better condition. I am considering keeping it up and also there are at least three girls in the office who are thinking about getting it done now as well."

So now you know. Michael Barnes Brazilian blow dry, www.michaelbarneshair.com, 020 7240 0311.

I command you to buy this.....

2010-04-01T09:00:00.001+01:00

I have always fancied being Imperial. I am already imperious, I just have no legitimate reason to be. Kiehl's have released Imperial Body Balm. It comes in a big pot, which looks to me like one of the pots you get caviar in, or smart Stilton. When you open it the stuff itself it's in a whirly pattern and it is .... bright orange. Followers of mine on Twitter will have heard about my blood donation disaster when the needle went funny and I got an absolutely spectacular bruise. The bruise has gone from black to purple and green - the orange moisturiser on top sent it an ochre colour that looked hilariously odd.

Best thing about this is the smell. It may be the honey but it smells....rich. I don't mean rich like clotted cream, I mean that when you put it on you smell rich. I timed it from application to absorption and it took one hour and a half to sink in properly, which makes it a definite night-time application cream. So be imperious, and get some.

Another problem page: dark circles

2010-03-29T09:00:00.000+01:00

Delia emailed me to say she had dark circles around her eyes and puffy skin. Everyone who has this problem says defensively "And I do drink GALLONS of water and I eat well and I have been going to bed earlier...honest." The problem is that many eye complexion problems are hereditary, particularly dark circles - if your dad has circles round his eyes like the Rings of Saturn then you probably will have too. However....I sent Delia some Aubrey Organics Lumessence Rejuvenating Eye Cream with liposomes to try. Aubrey Organics seems to be one of the new generation of organic companies in that the focus is on the efficacy of the products, not just their origin. It is such good news to be able to choose a product that is ethically produced on the standard of its results rather than the history of its ingredients.

Delia tested it and said "It’s really nice. I don’t know how much it has actually helped the darkness but it definitely seems to tighten and brighten and has a lovely consistency. I would say it’s a great product but I think better for puffiness than dark circles. I am usually a Clarins addict but will definitely change to this one as I think it’s better then their gel that I currently use."

Cleanliness is next to....toothpaste

2010-03-27T16:15:00.000Z

I have found the Holy Grail – a cleanser that I can actually be arsed to use in the evening. I know, I know – it is a sin akin to slaughtering puppies to not remove one’s slap before hitting the sack, but there are certain evenings, and you all know the ones I mean, when even though one is sober as a judge the thought of just having to do One More Thing before bed is unbearable. The idea of faffing around with muslins and Eve Lom is too much to bear on any evening, so using the Natio cleanser i was sent was a revelation. It’s so quick, it smells delicious, it is very effective, full of pleasant healthy sounding ingredients that make you feel as though you are repairing the ravages of the day and it does not make your skin feel as though it is one size too small. Of course there are still some evenings when I am a soap dodger, but they are those evenings in which I sleep in my bra and one boot upside down on top of my duvet, smelling like a brewery on a summer’s evening.

Stingy with the polish

2010-03-26T16:26:00.001Z

Kiehl’s are a bit stingy with their samples when Space NK gives them to you. I got a Creme de Corps Soy Milk and Honey body polish to try and there was barely enough to scrub one of my arms. Smelled delightful, smoothed my arm nicely, would have been nice to have had enough for my whole body. Or even, my other arm. I mean I am not that enormous, and I don't have arms like Mr Tickle....not that much to ask, is it?

Hardcore organic

2010-03-25T16:18:00.000Z

I sent TV Sooze to try out the Spiezia organic massage. She came back looking refreshed and brighter, and described them in awestruck tones as “hardcore organic”. Spezia avoids plastic to the extent that they don’t even like having plastic stuff in the treatment room, which is very laudable in eco terms – not sure about the whole ‘deadly plastic’ issue myself. It is described as an organic face lift and Sooze’s husband expected her to return looking like the Bride of Wildenstein but happily she just looked...perkier. And a bit shinier but that was due to the oils. Many people are uncomfortable about oil based facials as they expect a massive reaction to the levels of grease – the right oils should sink in quite happily though.
Products though were a bit trickier. Patricia tried the cleanser, which you create by mixing with water to form a paste, and described it as being like “glue with bits of sand in it”. She liked the face mask, but said using the toner to remove the cleanser, as was the instruction on the box, was “hopeless".

Snappable hair - the answer!

2010-03-24T11:35:00.001Z

One of my readers, Jo Berry, wrote in to say she had the world's driest hair. She twiddled it, split it, highlighted it, twiddled it again - so I sent her to Michael Barnes to get it fixed with a Brazilian blow-dry, a permanent blow-dry that coats the hair in nano-Keratin.

Here's a picture of the state it got into once washed; it takes her 45 minutes to dry it, and when she gets her highlights done, she has to be held down in the chair while two stylists struggle to get the tangles out.

After the little baby keratins had done their smooth work, this was the result. This will now last for a couple of months. When I left her, Jo was sitting in the chair looking thoughtful. I asked what was up. "I'm just wondering," she said grimly, "what I can auction on Ebay to keep having this done...." Michael Barnes has an offer on at the moment for a Brazilian blow dry for about £150 - bargain.

Sleepwalking

2010-03-23T15:32:00.004Z

The Mother In Law (who is actually very nice but I feel compelled to refer to her in a Les Dawson type way) has been trying some Magnesium Oil Spray for me as she has benign vertigo. She is in her early sixties and has been feeling as though her head is going to burst, along with experiencing very uncomfortable nights with lots of waking, bad dreams and tension. The Magnesium Oil Goodnight spray was supposed to prevent all that as well as restless leg syndrome, muscle problems, and just about everything else. I am afraid it failed to have any effect at all on The Mother In Law's sleep, but the PR assures me it works on her restless leg syndrome, so if you spend the night jogging round your bed, it could well be the product for you.

Split Endings

2010-03-23T13:55:00.003Z

Six weeks ago, 21 year old Jenni Musgrave dumped her partner of three years, two days before Valentine’s Day (“which I spent with my mum”, says Jenni ruefully). A week afterwards she decided she wanted a dramatic change of hair style. “He had always loved my long, grown-out graduated bob, and he hates my hair short so the first thing I wanted to do was chop it all off. I wanted a new style for a new chapter.”

Jenni has experimented with Kelly Osborne’s lilac shade as highlights, and decided to go for the same sort of cut. “She seems to do whatever she wants, and she doesn’t seem to care what anyone else thinks, which is going to be the new me! “ says Jenni cheerfully. “The style looks quite low maintenance, a bit wash and go, my hair is quite straight so it will sit quite well in that look and she has got quite a round face and so have I, so what suits her suits me!”

Michael Barnes of Michael Barnes, Shaftesbury Avenue, says; “Break-up hair is one of the most satisfying cuts to do. I have had clients crying the chair and it’s always worrying until you realise that they are crying with relief. It’s symbolic of letting go of an old way of being, an old way of thinking, and the person that you were. Opening a new chapter is so exciting and it’s helpful to do that by improving your appearance. My only word of caution is that the more traumatic the break-up, the more the tendency to go berserk with the style or the colour; no man is worth a Mohican or a shaved head just to spite him.”

And the result? “I love it!” beams Jenni. “I was worried about bumping into him. Now I may arrange to bump into him at some point!”

You can see my interview with Jenni at www.twitter.com/pureartifice.

Problem Pages; Dark circles

2010-03-22T15:00:00.001Z

Tessa Cunniffe is in her twenties and wrote to me describing her eyes as "really tired and sunken. I had fine lines and really dark circles."

I sent Tessa some NeoStrata Eye Cream, an antioxidant-filled toning cream, and she says "it really works!"

"After two weeks of using the cream once in the morning and once in the evening, the area around my eyes definitely looks a lot brighter and less baggy. The dark area has shrunk and the skin is really soft to touch. I feel like I look younger and fresher in the morning and it feels like I have healthier, younger-looking eyes. It doesn’t smell strongly or sit on the skin like some creams."

Tessa's only codicil is "don’t rub it in too close to your eyes as you will wake up with dry and stinging eyes."

Apparently it's the oolyhydroxy acids, gluconolactone and lactobionic acid which remove dead skin cells and reduces the appearance of fine lines and Vitamin K which repairs the damaged blood vessels that cause dark circles. Tessa would recommend it - my first successful problem solved. And now...the Middle East!

Wrap it up

2010-03-12T09:00:00.001Z

My nails are like hooves. I believe I may be part Centaur, as they are unchippable, don't flake or split. Which is great, unless I have to trial something called Nail Doctor. I gave it to a case study with very soft, flaky nails to try, and she didn't really rate it. She applied it, and said that the nails felt "nice" and looked "shiny" (well they would, wouldn't they?) and then she tapped them briskly on the table to show me, no harder than if she was typing, and one of them split straight up the middle. Unfortunate, and bad timing, but it didn't prove itself to be any better for the next week. So I would give that one a miss.

Brushing it off

2010-03-11T09:00:00.001Z

I was sent some Goody brushes to try. I really wanted to like these as the company has such a charming back story; but sadly, I didn't. The vent brush was very heavy to manoeuvre, which is not what you want when you are trying to blow dry your hair and your hands appear to be doing the opposite of what you want them to anyway. The smoothing brush was very hard and uncomfortable, the brush with ceramide colour preserver...um...didn't, and the scalp soothing brush was just absolutely colossal. The Beautiful Scot tried it and said it made her feel like a pinhead. Also, every single one of them made my hair incredibly static - so much so that I looked as if I had been molesting a van den Graaf generator.

My favourite brush so far has been the Trevor Sorbie one so I'm sticking with that. As soon as I can get my hands off this generator....

Scrubbing up nicely

2010-03-10T09:00:00.001Z

"I have the skin of a 25 year old" announced the Venerable Margie, "except now he wants it back!" Once she had finished sniggering at her own joke, she spent many minutes eulogising over the NIA24 Physical Cleansing Scrub that I had given her to try. Niacin is its wonder ingredient, and Margie said it felt "lovely, my moisturiser went in better after I used it and I would pay...oooh.....£50 for it. Yes, £50." It is considerably less than that, so clearly a bargain. Watch out for the compulsion to make bad jokes though.